I heard a phrase tonight that beautifully captures a major point of this journey.
"If you were to write an autobiography, what would the first sentence be?"Basically, this is asking what it is that we define ourselves as or what we want to be defined as. It made me wonder "how would I start it?" What words would I use to describe myself to an audience that knows nothing about me? Would I tell them I'm Christian? Or would I start out by saying I'm a male? Would I define myself by my age-range, my hometown, my political affiliation? Each of these things brings with it its own stereotypes and connotations in other people's minds, and I have no idea of what set of knowledge, experiences, or memories that my audience possesses. There is no way that I can predict how I will be perceived by what I use to introduce myself with because each person is so uniquely different.
In all honesty, there is really no "safe" adjectives I can use that wouldn't offend someone or give somebody the wrong idea of who I am. There are several things that I am, but based on how many people perceive them, I don't want these things to represent me: teenager, college student, Christian, even white or male. There are other things that I so badly want to define me, but I'm not sure that I can honestly say that they describe who I am: loyal, loving, caring, responsible, trustworthy. There are other things that I don't want to define me, but they may more accurately depict my lifestyle: busy, stressed, prideful, insecure. So, with all of these different ideas of who I am, and many others that I didn't list, I am forced to ask the question: which of these - if any - is me?
How am I supposed to define me? Do I define it based on who I actually am? Do I define it based on my worst qualities? My best qualities? By who I used to be? By who I want to be? By stereotypes that I fit? By personality traits others can understand? Physical features? Talents? Hobbies? Interests? What my major is? Who my friends are? How do I define me??
This has been one of the most frustrating questions that I have been asking myself for years. Let's be honest, this will be a question that I will be asking myself for years. No one can truly tell us the best way to describe themselves. I think that this is, in part, because we aren't 100% sure of who we are. So, how can we describe someone we don't fully understand to someone else? We can't. Like I said, there are no adjectives that can perfectly sum up who we are. We can't really compare ourselves to others because each of us is unique. We can put ourselves in "boxes" because we are way more complex than just one set of characteristics.
So, I've decided I know the perfect way to describe myself. This may be really anti-climatic and quite cheesy, but I love this idea. I'm going to define myself not by what I do, or what I like, or how I act. Instead, I'm going to define myself by one simple word: my name.
I'm Christopher.
I don't quite know what that means yet. I am of the belief that we get to choose for ourselves who we want to be. We get to choose how we act and what we do. Since this will be an ever-changing state of being, there are no fixed words that will be able to accurately describe who I am. The only word that can continuously describe me is my name, because as I change, its meaning changes as well.
So if I can encourage you at all, I would love to say don't try to fit yourself into some societal "box" of specific attributes. Don't try to be "the athlete" or "the Christian" or "the artist" or anything. Don't try to fit in perfectly with your group of friends. Don't try to act the way that society expects your stereotype to act. Don't try to stand out. Just be yourself and be okay that you won't be the same tomorrow that you are today.
Maybe this is common-sense to you all, but it's new to me. I'd love prayers as I continue to figure this out.
Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,
-Christopher
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