Balance: Not my Forte

Today was a day filled with all sorts of different lessons to be learned. I mean, let's be 100% honest here, every day is filled with its own trials, challenges, accomplishments, and beautiful little metaphors for life. I suppose that's one of the things that I'm growing to learn. Just like it's so crazy to think that every stranger I encounter has a life just as complex and vibrant and full as mine, it's crazy to think that every single day is filled with incredible opportunities to learn and grow in massive ways! Isn't that so weird to think about?!

We could even, if we wanted to, say that every hour, every minute, and every second give us an infinite number of experiences to embrace life. To try to track our thought patterns or emotions over one day, let alone one hour, would be an impossible task. Think with me, if you will, about all of the things you've done today: all the different ways that you've felt, all of the different things you've thought about, all the different people you've talked to, what you ate, where you walked, what you read, what you did. It's exhausting just to think about, isn't it?! Yet, we live like this every single day: a roller coaster of thoughts, feelings, sensations, conversations, and tasks. 

One thing that I'm learning, is that it's totally okay to live life that way. I mean, we all do it. I used to think that if I didn't slow down and completely enjoy every fleeting second, that I wouldn't be able to truly live. Then, when that became super exhausting, I tried to forget the present emotions and just push forward through life by getting done what needed to get done and not looking back. Neither of those attempts to enjoy life to its fullest (what a great phrase) gave me any satisfaction. This is something that I have recently begun to understand: life is about balance.

Yes, we need to get things done and plan for the future and work towards it. Yes, we need to enjoy the sensations that surround us in each day. Yet, if we focus on either of these things with our whole being - all of our energy - then, we won't be able to experience the other at all. I'm finding that I need to learn how to balance between the two things. I need to learn how to live in the moment while still working toward the future. I'm not great at it, but with God's help I'm slowly figuring it out.

I hope and pray that you can figure it out for yourself as well and if you've already got it figured out, please share! I'm sure every one of us could learn a lot from your wisdom!

Best of luck  in the real world and God Bless,

-XTopher

Deadlines and Sickness got me like

Zero words. Zero thoughts. I literally have no idea what to write about tonight. I don't have any witty comment about anything that happened. I have no creative spin on the events of my day. I have no life lesson to share from today. So, I don't know what to talk about. It's 11:00 o'clock at night and I have no idea what to say. So, come take a seat. Let me tell you about me.

I guess since you can't see me, I'm male, pale, freckled, average height, dark hair, blue eyes. But let's not focus on my flawless physical appearance (okay, so NOT flawless). I'm a Math and Computer Science major and very involved in music at the college I attend. I drum and I love it. My favorite food is fried chicken. My favorite color is green, and my favorite animal is the giraffe. Um, I'm a huge Star Wars and Superhero fan and I'm super excited for the next Start Wars movie that comes out this December.

Gosh, what else do you want to know? Um, I'm Christian which means "like Christ". I view my faith a whole lot less like a religion and a whole lot more like a relationship. I'm sure you've heard that kind of expression before, but I really do mean that. I love my dad's saying: "I'm only religious about getting up and peeing in the morning". Oh man, I've got some kick butt parents. My dad's a super caring and generous and compassionate guy that has taught me a lot about what it means to be a man of God through the example of his own life. My mom is a miracle worker. She took this weird, socially awkward, fragile, emotionally unstable kid and turned him into a weird, much less socially awkward, secure in Christ young man. I guess if we're giving credit to where credit is due, the real miracle worker in my life is God. If it weren't for Him, I'd be a whole lot different than I am now. That's for sure.

Who else has been influential in my life? That's easy: my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and - most importantly - my siblings. I absolutely adore my siblings even though that wasn't always the case. My sister used to be a major brat (maybe that's just how I perceived her) and I tried to boss her all the time. That didn't roll over very well. And my brother - well, have you ever seen those movies with the really nerdy kid that gets picked on at school? That was me. But unlike those movies, when I came home, it was worse. My brother was the kind of kid that picked on kids like me. He and I did not agree (I tried to boss him, too). We got into several fist fights when we were younger. There are holes all over my house (the one I'm soon moving from) that tell the stories of our battles. He and I fought constantly. I've chased him around the house with a knife. He's choked me and thrown me on the floor. I've hit him with a stool. He left a softball sized bruise on my shoulder blade. Those were not good times.

But despite my poor history with my siblings, God worked through it and us. Now, my brother is my best friend and I absolutely adore, respect, and LOVE him - more than he'll know. My sister and I, though five years apart, are super close and I wouldn't trade our goofy conversations for the world. I absolutely love my family, but it's God that brought us to where we are. I can't ever forget that. There's a lot of things that have happened in my life that I am super grateful for, but my family is the biggest.

So, I guess that's me. Now, tell me about you?

Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,

XTopher

I'm Sick and that's a good thing?

I have discovered something new about college life. When your roommate is sick, you might as well go out and buy some meds because it's only a matter of time before you're doing homework in your pajamas surrounded by a pile of Kleenex. Now, each of the four of us that live in the same room are at different stages of the sickness: one is about over it; one is at the peak with a fever; I've got a stuffy nose, soar throat, and a headache; and the last one is just starting to get it.

The funny thing is, as roommates, we've bonded a whole lot more while we're sick than when we weren't. It's been in our weakness that we have had the humility and the necessity to reach out to to each other - even if that just means asking for a tissue. We also all have something to connect over now. We have a point of brokenness to connect over. In this case, we just complain about our symptoms and remind each other to get rest, drink water, and take meds, but can you already begin to see the parallels here?

Last night, a good friend of mine brought up an absolutely awesome point. One of the big reasons that we as humans are able to connect is because we are all broken. We're able to connect over our pain. That's why tragedies were (and still are) such a big deal with Shakespearean plays. We grow so much closer through our sadness. I've noticed that there's kind of two different ways that we relate in terms of our pain: either because we have done something we regret, or because we have experienced some kind of pain outside of our control.

Last night, while our little group just sat around and chatted, we talked about the mistakes we've made and the pain we've felt, and we were able to uplift and encourage each other. It's so awesome to be able to have friends around you that you can share your mistakes and pain with and feel completely vulnerable around. I don't know what it is, but there is an awesomeness in being vulnerable before someone.

A few scriptures jump out at me when thinking about this subject:

You keep track of all my sorrows.
     You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
     You have recorded each one in your book
Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

This verse reminds me that with Christ we don't even have to list our sorrows because He already knows them and keeps them on record. He cares so much that He remembers every single thing that has happened to us.

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.
Hebrews 4:13 (NLT)

Not only does He know everything that has happened to us, but He knows everything we've done. There's no way that we can hide from Him.

The coolest part:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9a(NIV)

His grace is enough to completely forgive us! Plus, just like we can grow closer to others through our sorrow or our sickness, it's our vulnerability before the Lord that shows us just how powerful He is. And that is an amazing feeling.

I hope this was an encouragement to you and that you can experience the truly freeing feeling of opening yourself up before people, and more importantly, God.
Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,
XTopher

Finding my Wings

Lately I have been having some pretty tough days. I've been super stressed and pulled to my limits, but tonight something super duper awesome happened.

At the college I attend, we have a non-denominational mid-week service in the chapel on campus, and it's a ton of fun. There are a ton of great people, and I love getting to come to service. What's more is that I get to play drums in the worship service which is literally the coolest thing. I love playing drums so stinking much. Like: music is amazing, drumming is amazing, worship is amazing, so all of it together is like amazing to the third power!

A friend of mine refers to this kind of experience as "letting your wings show". It's the point where you are so completely content with life that you are being 100% yourself. It's the situations in life where you are the most comfortable and letting your true identity show: letting your wings show. Drumming is like that for me; it's like it's one of the things that I was created to do.

I'll be completely honest, I'm not a super talented drummer, but it's something that I absolutely love! Unless you've experienced this kind of feeling of letting your wings show, there's no way that I can describe how amazing and freeing it is. The best metaphor that I can give is the feeling of flying. Imagine yourself speeding through the night sky with the air rushing past your face and the ground speeding away from you as you twist and turn on a midnight roller coaster ride. That kind of feeling is what I feel when I'm drumming - when I'm worshiping God through my instrument.

You know where else I find this feeling? People. I LOVE PEOPLE! I have such a crazy huge heart for people! So, when after the midweek service I got to hang out with some incredible people and have some crazy relaxed but spontaneous conversation, it was the best thing for my terrible mood. I got to cast my cares on Christ in worship and then experience His creation of relationship through incredible conversation.

Maybe I'm finding out who I am by finding out what it is I do when I'm showing my wings.
Sorry, I'm so spontaneous in this, but I'm actually typing this while hanging with these awesome people. So, I'm gonna take off now! I pray you guys find your wings! It's the coolest feeling in the world!

Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,
XTopher :)

Stress, Sarcasm, and Saying "I'm Sorry"

I'm one week in to this year long challenge and I've go to be honest: I am exhausted. Like, there is soo much work to get done ALL. OF. THE. TIME! I haven't even had time for friends lately and I feel terrible, but I have so much I have to get done that there's no way I could do both. I feel like I'm constantly running from one place to the other and getting pulled in every single direction. If I have a single - SINGLE - moment of free time, someone texts me telling me to go do something or I get an email adding on another assignment or I get informed of yet another obligation to complete.

It's like there's some giant sign that goes off every time I'm not 100% busy and the populous of the world decides that I need to have something else to do. Then, all of the people of the world get together and play rock, paper, scissors to decide who gets to be the one to add one more thing to my already obscenely long to-do list. It's like a giant punch in the gut from every living being. 

So, if you're out there and you've realized that you're one of the people that decides to convene at secret meetings to destroy my life, could you, like, not? That'd be great. Thanks :)

I get really passive aggressive and snappy when I'm tired and frustrated. Sorry. I used to be able to deal with it a lot better, but I've gotten into the habit of letting it go at college. Remember what I said about habits yesterday? Yeah, bad ones are hard to quit. So, if you would be praying for me in this attitude adjustment that I need, that would be super-duper awesome. I need to be less sarcastic and less passive aggressive. Neither of those things is helping me any.

To add to the stress of the already stressful day, I ran into someone that I've major damaged as of recent (one of those people I really hurt). [Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out:  Losing Confidence and Superman T-Shirts]. Anyways, we only said a quick "hey" and kept walking, but my heart was racing I was so nervous. I mean, I feel TERRIBLE about what I've done and I really want to apologize, but I'm also really scared to do so. I know that sounds kind of childish, but I really really don't know what to do here. I'm so bad with people and relationships and the like that I'm absolutely terrified of making things worse.

"What if it's better for them if I just let it go and don't try to get back in to their life?"

"What if it's better for them for us to talk and me to apologize?"

"What's God's perfect Will for all of this?"

I DON'T KNOW! And even if I did have an answer, I wouldn't know how to proceed from there. This is, honestly, one of the biggest things I've struggled with in my life and I don't have Mom or Dad to hold my hand through this. Adulting is hard, guys. It's really hard. *Pout*.

In all seriousness, I know that following God's Will and hearing God's voice - whether it's about my stress, attitude, or forgiveness - are not easy things to do. What I do know is that God has made it possible for us to find ourselves in Him. To follow His Will is to seek to reflect the example of His Son. To hear His voice is to spend time with Him daily in prayer and in word. So, that's what I need to be doing: praying, reading His word, and striving daily to represent Him. So, with any luck, that's what I'll be doing tomorrow and maybe I can get some answers, change my attitude, and even reduce my stress.

I'd love any prayer support you want to send my way!
Best of luck in the real world and God bless,
XTopher

P.S. I do realize that I have probably sounded like a whiny little kid though most of this. No, I do not always sound like this (at least I hope I don't). Sometimes I just need to get my whiny, immature thoughts and attitudes out of my head so I can start fresh. That fresh start is exactly what I needed tonight, so thanks so much for bearing through this with me.

Lessons from Habits

You know what's so weird about life? Habits. Like, bad habits are so hard to quit that we have rehab centers and  therapists that work with people for months or years to help them overcome bad habits. On the other hand, good habits are so hard to keep that we need accountability partners and personal trainers to keep us on the right track. Some habits we can't shake and others we can't keep up. Am I the only one to find that odd?

And you know what else? Our spiritual life is so similar. Like reading the bible and praying can be so hard to start and even harder to keep up while sitting around and eating cheese puffs while watching Once Upon A Time on Netflix and surfing Facebook is so easy! (Maybe that's just me.) 

One thing that's helped me is starting each day right. It's like if I can start the day right, then everything else goes right. And lately, that's been working really well. Even today, although I missed my alarm and didn't get up until late, I've had a great day. 

I've actually been sticking with my good habits which is definitely a huge accomplishment for me. Like, usually I've quit by like hour 3. I think it's helping that instead of trying to take on everything at once (waking up early, praying for hours, living confidently, eating right, reading God's Word, and teaching others all at the same time) I'm kind of slowly building up. For example, today I've spent time in prayer as I walked across campus, read a little bit of scripture, and kept myself from giving into temptation. But it wasn't anything super hard. And that's going really well. God keeps giving me opportunities to grow in Him.

I'm excited to keep growing and see where God leads. 

Good luck in the real world and God Bless,

XTopher 

My Rooster Crowed

I'm super excited about this journey because it's giving me the opportunity to grow at such an accelerated rate. I get to "learn at my own pace" which means that as soon as I get the lesson down and pass the tests I move on to the next lesson. At least, that's how I foresee it working out. One problem, I'm still facing the same issue in my life. I'm still feeling the same way. It's like I can't get past this until I do something different. I can't get over this issue of regret.

REGRET.

I love the example of Peter when thinking about regret. (Don't know the story? Check it out in John 18:25-27) The guy denied Christ three times and then the rooster crowed reminding him of what he just did. He did some terrible things and in the moment, while I'm sure he felt bad, he really didn't think too much of it. Then, when the rooster crowed, he instantly felt all of the shame and hurt he had caused. It became real to him. He had some major regret, but when Jesus came back and saw Peter, he asked him three times if Peter loved Him. (John 21:15-17) It's so poetic and perfect; it's as if Christ was giving Peter the opportunity to make up for each time he denied Christ. Peter had to get right before God and he had to get right with the person he caused harm to. In this case, they were the same person.

But regret's not something that I usually have. There were literally like 2 or 3 moments in my past that I really regretted and I've went to God about it and I've went to the people I've hurt and I've made amends and that's all I can really do. Every now and then that regret will sneak up, but I just remind myself I've done all I can do and now it's in God's hands.

Well, lately there are some more parts of my life that I really regret. I felt awful when I did them, but I didn't think all that much of it. Recently, I've had some things revealed to me that have made me realize how much damage I caused to someone else. My rooster has crowed, and it kills me inside to know the pain I've inflicted. I've asked God for forgiveness and I've asked God to help the other people to forgive me. The thing is, I still haven't really given them the opportunity to forgive. I haven't apologized. And like Peter, I need to make amends for what I've done.

Knowing what this situation is and who I've hurt, this is one of the scariest things that I will have to do, but I have this deep feeling in my gut that this is what I need to do and it's the ONLY way that I'm going to pass the test on this lesson and move forward in my journey. As much as forgiving is a freeing feeling for the person who forgives, I feel like apologizing is a freeing feeling for the person with regret. To go back and say, "I know what I did was wrong, and I'm sorry I hurt you" is so humbling and takes such a weight off of your chest.

Now, I just need to figure out how and when and what to say and AHH! Panicking! *Deep Breath* Really what I need to do is keep praying and allow God to work in both of our lives. I need to let Him fight my battles, and then have the confidence in Him to do what I need to do: apologize.

This is a scary time for me, but I know God is going to move in incredible ways through this and bring me and those I've hurt closer to Him and closer to who we need to be. I'm trusting Him, and for a control freak that's a BIG deal. Wish me luck. I'd love any prayers you guys can send my way.

Best of luck in the real world and God bless,
XTopher