I am super tired as I'm writing this. It has been a super duper long day and I'm just now getting to the blog because I'm just now getting a little bit of down time. Granted, I've always been busy but today has been ridiculous!! Do you ever have a day like that where you are just so swamped with work or responsibilities that you don't even have time to breathe? Yeah, those days suck.
In high school I was always busy but still finished everything I needed to get done and did it to the best of my ability. Now, I'm so stretched that I'm not turning in my best work and I don't like not turning in my best work. I'm kind of losing my confidence in myself, but being overworked is not the biggest reason for that. Yes homework is exhausting. Yes moving emotionally wears me out. Yes being on campus is new and challenging. But the biggest reason that I am so unsure of myself is because lately I've done some things that are completely out of character for me.
I'm naturally a very caring and compassionate guy. I hate to see people hurt and I would never EVER be the one to hurt someone, right? WRONG! Apparently, even I am capable of causing the catastrophic emotional damage that I have seen in so many other people. There are a few people in particular that I have really hurt and I feel completely terrible.
How could I allow myself to do such a painful thing? What kind of a man am I to allow myself to hurt them that deeply? How can I even call myself a Christian after what I've done!? How can I even allow myself to live in the real world when all I've done is hurt those I care the most about? These are all questions that I've asked myself over and over and I still don't have answers, but there's some verses that my grandma (she's an awesome lady) brought to my attention this morning that have helped: 1 John 3: 18 - 21.
In my interpretation of that scripture, it seems like John (I'm assuming it's John since the book is named John, but I digress) is saying: "Guys, don't just talk about loving others, but truly show your love through action. By showing love, it shows ourselves and others (by example) that we belong to Christ. God is greater than our feelings (like guilt) AND He knows everything that we've done (who better to judge us, huh?). Then, if we don't feel guilty, we can come to God with bold confidence."
This really struck me as I read it. Even though I've done some terrible things and feel super guilty and absolutely awful about it, God knows what I've done. What's even better, is that He is greater than my feelings of guilt. So, if I walk in God's will (showing truth and love through my actions), I can confidently and boldly come before Christ without shame and without guilt. That's such a big deal to me (that's why I keep repeating it). No matter what I do, God knows and forgives me and I can BOLDLY come before Him. Then, by showing love, I remind myself that I belong to Christ.
So those are my goals for the next x amount of time: show God's Love in all that I do and confidently stand before Christ despite my past. These are things I've known but after all that has happened in my life, it's nice to have the reminder or to see this truth in a new light. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm wearing a superman shirt - to remind myself that instead of living in constant fear, I can live my life in confidence.
So, I guess that's what I've learned today. Hope it helps you in some way or at least entertained you briefly.
Good luck in the real world and God Bless,
Christopher Hanson
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