Half Full

I will not talk about stress. I will NOT talk about stress. I will relax. I will calm down. I will be fine. Deep breath in. 2. 3. 4. Deep breath out. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. Deep breath in. 2. 3. 4. Deep breath out. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Ever have one of those days? Having one right now? Go back and read that calming exercise again. Maybe two or three times. That's what I had to do.

But, I did make a commitment a few days ago to stop talking about how stressed I am because it wasn't helping me at all. So, let us talk about something else; let's focus on the positives. I'm even gonna make a list. Why? Because I like lists and because I'm the boss.

Reasons to not hate everything right now:

1.  I'm alive. 'nough said. Moving on.
2. I go to a kick-butt college with really great opportunities for me
1. I've got an opportunity to go to the Dominican Republic this May on a scholarship. While there, I would get to experience a new culture and serve in several different ways! I love serving so much and this would be such an awesome experience to do something I love while growing at the same time!
2. I've got an opportunity to be part of a summer research program in New Mexico. This opportunity would give me the chance to work on mathematical research and grow in my problem solving, communication, and mathematical modeling skills. I would also get to work with other equally excited students and professionals! (Granted, that probably sounds really nerdy, but you have NO idea how excited I am!!)
3. I get to be richly involved in the mathematics department, computer science department, and music departments at the same time. Yes, there is stress involved, but I am so richly blessed to go to a college where I can really do so much. I was reminded today of another college I visited that told me I would have to pick between all of my interests. At the college I am in, I don't have to. :)
3. I have a family that loves me like crazy.
4. I have some truly amazing friends that have my back regardless of my situation.
5. God Loves me and He is on my side. Nothing can really out-compete this point. I mean, regardless of what I'm going through, God is fighting in my corner. I love the VeggieTales Song "God is bigger than the Boogie Man". It's kind of corny, but it's so true. Whether it's stress, or sickness, or relationship issues, God is way bigger than anything we face.

So, why did I just list off a bunch of things that are spectacular about my life? Was it to make you feel terrible about yourselves and remind you of my superiority? No. Absolutely not. I did this for a few reasons. Number one, because it really helped me get some perspective and remember that my life is not all bad and that I'm not alone. Number two, to maybe give you an example of what thinking positive actually looks like. I try to be as tangible and down to earth as possible instead of preaching mysterious phrasings which sound very deep and theological but are difficult to implement because of the lack of understanding.

So there is my example of looking at the glass half-full. Believe it or not, for a very long period of my life, I was extremely pessimistic. I found the negative in every single situation. Luckily, I've got amazing parents that wouldn't let me get away with that. Through a lot of discipline and instruction and practice, I've learned how to alter the patterns of my mind and begin to see the positive in situations. I say this so that you know it is possible to change your behavior or even your thoughts. I've been there and if I (the crazy math nerd from the Midwest) can do it, you can do it.

Praying for you!
Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,
-Christopher

I'm Christopher

To catch you up: My life has been crazy for the past several years. So much is changing all around me and I'm having trouble trying to make sense of it all. So, I'm taking a year to myself to try to define who I am, understand life, and begin a lifelong process of self-growth. For the past week, I've done a lot of complaining, but now I'm ready to get back to focusing on God and who He has for me to be...

I heard a phrase tonight that beautifully captures a major point of this journey.

"If you were to write an autobiography, what would the first sentence be?"

Basically, this is asking what it is that we define ourselves as or what we want to be defined as. It made me wonder "how would I start it?" What words would I use to describe myself to an audience that knows nothing about me? Would I tell them I'm Christian? Or would I start out by saying I'm a male? Would I define myself by my age-range, my hometown, my political affiliation? Each of these things brings with it its own stereotypes and connotations in other people's minds, and I have no idea of what set of knowledge, experiences, or memories that my audience possesses. There is no way that I can predict how I will be perceived by what I use to introduce myself with because each person is so uniquely different.

In all honesty, there is really no "safe" adjectives I can use that wouldn't offend someone or give somebody the wrong idea of who I am. There are several things that I am, but based on how many people perceive them, I don't want these things to represent me: teenager, college student, Christian, even white or male. There are other things that I so badly want to define me, but I'm not sure that I can honestly say that they describe who I am: loyal, loving, caring, responsible, trustworthy. There are other things that I don't want to define me, but they may more accurately depict my lifestyle: busy, stressed, prideful, insecure. So, with all of these different ideas of who I am, and many others that I didn't list, I am forced to ask the question: which of these - if any - is me?

How am I supposed to define me? Do I define it based on who I actually am? Do I define it based on my worst qualities? My best qualities? By who I used to be? By who I want to be? By stereotypes that I fit? By personality traits others can understand? Physical features? Talents? Hobbies? Interests? What my major is? Who my friends are? How do I define me??

This has been one of the most frustrating questions that I have been asking myself for years. Let's be honest, this will be a question that I will be asking myself for years. No one can truly tell us the best way to describe themselves. I think that this is, in part, because we aren't 100% sure of who we are. So, how can we describe someone we don't fully understand to someone else? We can't. Like I said, there are no adjectives that can perfectly sum up who we are. We can't really compare ourselves to others because each of us is unique. We can put ourselves in "boxes" because we are way more complex than just one set of characteristics.

So, I've decided I know the perfect way to describe myself. This may be really anti-climatic and quite cheesy, but I love this idea. I'm going to define myself not by what I do, or what I like, or how I act. Instead, I'm going to define myself by one simple word: my name.

I'm Christopher. 

I don't quite know what that means yet. I am of the belief that we get to choose for ourselves who we want to be. We get to choose how we act and what we do. Since this will be an ever-changing state of being, there are no fixed words that will be able to accurately describe who I am. The only word that can continuously describe me is my name, because as I change, its meaning changes as well.

So if I can encourage you at all, I would love to say don't try to fit yourself into some societal "box" of specific attributes. Don't try to be "the athlete" or "the Christian" or "the artist" or anything. Don't try to fit in perfectly with your group of friends. Don't try to act the way that society expects your stereotype to act. Don't try to stand out. Just be yourself and be okay that you won't be the same tomorrow that you are today.

Maybe this is common-sense to you all, but it's new to me. I'd love prayers as I continue to figure this out.

Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,
-Christopher

Home Again, Home Again

Have you ever been away from home for an extended period of time? Maybe it was a summer camp, or college, or something more extravagant. Regardless of where it was or how long, do you remember the feeling you had when you got home after you'd been away? You walked up to that familiar door and opened it to a welcoming sight and smell that always makes you feel like you are home. You walked into the home where you can be yourself and relax and know that you are surrounded by people who love you. That's one of my favorite feelings in the world, and it's very much how I've felt this weekend.

If you don't know, my family is moving from the house we've been in for 14 years this Wednesday. That means that this weekend is my last weekend to be home before we move. As I walked up to the door on Friday, I realized that this feeling of "Homecoming" will be one of the last ones I feel for a while. I can't begin to tell you how much I'll miss that place, but I'm excited for what God has next. 

Not only is this my last weekend at home but also the last weekend my family will be attending our home church. All in all, there's a lot of goodbyes this weekend. It is so fantastic to be part of a church family! Not only did I get a ton of hugs and lots of heartfelt goodbyes, but the entire church family prayed for us before we left. THAT was awesome! I had friends' moms who I knew since I was little, my former youth pastor, and people who had seen me grow up praying over me and my family. It's so fantastic to be part of a church family like that. Which makes it even harder to say goodbye.

I mean, I love my campus church family, but it's not home, you know? This whole move thing has me terrified about finding a new place to fit in and call home. 

But here's what I know: my home isn't actually in any physical building or even with a certain group of people. My home is in Christ. Even when everything else is changing around me, I still have a home in Christ. The problem is that even though I know that intuitively, I don't fully practice that. I'm not truly rooted in Christ in the way that I want to be. So, I'm gonna work on that. I'll use this move as a catalyst in rooting myself in Christ.

Thanks for the prayers and know I'm praying for you.

Best of luck in the real world and God Bless,

-Christopher